2 years on.. written on 22nd August 2020
So, it’s over two years since I left my abusive partner on Sunday 15th July 2018.
I promised myself that after 2 years I would talk about it; Blogging about it is one thing; however; speaking words is a different challenge.
I was 1 in 3! Nearly 1 in 3 women are domestically abused in their lifetime. I was domestically abused for over 12 years and I am a Domestic Abuse Survivor and that is a fact that I am not ashamed of. I refuse to live in fear. I lived in fear for a long time.
It’s time to step-up and speak out to keep the discussion going.
In the 2 years since I left; I have searched for answers; the why’s and the where fore’s.
1) Why did my partner take it upon himself to Domestically Abuse me?
2) Why didn’t I see the Red Flags/Warning Signs of Abuse?
3) Why did I stay so long? Why didn’t I leave sooner?
So, question 1; why did my partner take it upon himself to Domestically Abuse me? Well I’ll never know the answer to that and I’m no longer interested in the answer. I believe it was a deep-seated hatred for women; he referred to all women as ‘snakes with tits’ which obviously is very derogatory and very disrespectful. I also think he was extremely jealous; insecure and unhappy and therefore enjoyed making me miserable and terrified. I was absolutely terrified of his temper and unpredictability.
Question 2; why didn’t I see the Red Flags/Warning Signs of Abuse? Well its really very simple you don’t fall for a Domestic Abuser; they trip you. They don’t start the abuse at the beginning of the relationship; of-course they don’t! It’s once you’re emotionally invested that’s when it starts. That’s when they ‘turn’ on you. You then try to understand them; their troubles and you try to help them. In return they embark on a campaign of abuse to isolate you; control you and ultimately destroy you. Meanwhile you hope and pray for the abuse to stop for them to suddenly see the error of their ways and return to the very early days of the relationship when they weren’t abusing you.
Question 3; why did I stay so long? why didn’t I leave sooner? I have been asked this so many times. To be honest the question that should be asked is ‘why do perpetrators of abuse; abuse?’ Because they and they alone are accountable and responsible for their actions. Nothing excuses domestic abuse not addictions; not stress; not lockdown. NOTHING excuses a perpetrator of domestic abuse abusing and to suggest anything other than that is VICTIM SHAMING. Let’s as a society ask them ‘why did you abuse your partner?’ ‘are you proud to be a domestic abuser?’
I did leave as I documented in my Blog; I left in 2012 after my abuser threatened and I quote ‘get out of my shop or I’ll kick your fucken head down the street’ (Dunnswood Road; Cumbernauld). I was away 2 weeks but I went back and yes; the abuse got a lot worse when I went back. Two days back he started again; now suggesting ‘I wasn’t right in the head’ and so it continued; getting progressively worse. Most days in the Café after that I would have flashbacks to that day; it was cruel and heart breaking.
However; it proved the point; not that proof was needed that an abuser doesn’t change their ways they just up the ante! I nearly left again in November 2017 when my abuser told me; cool as you like; that he never wanted to marry me; he only married me because he felt sorry for me and that no one else would have me. That absolutely destroyed me on so many levels. I had married him as I hoped (wrongly) that it would abate his increasingly jealous temper; if anything; it made matters so much worse.
However; I did eventually leave. A lot of people have said I was brave; gutsy to leave everything to escape the abuse. To be honest I didn’t feel it at the time. At the time it was purely self-preservation; my only focus which I discussed in my Blog was to get out of the situation I found myself in that Sunday afternoon; I was simply terrified and feared for my life. I said that at the time and I was mocked by my abuser later by text for saying it! It was fight or flight and I chose flight. Domestic abuse is insidious and hidden behind closed doors.
Remembering that when I worked in the café I had a job to do I had to run front of house and I had to be successful in that or behind closed doors I suffered the consequences. I was mentally and physically exhausted the constant abuse simply became too much for me. I had to be seen to be in control running front of house; cool calm and collected. I was actually living on my nerves; walking on eggs shells dreading the next explosion of abusive anger. My abuser pushed me too far and I lost all hope of it stopping. There was no rest-bite the abuse just got worse. Eventually the balance between the fear of staying and the fear of leaving tipped. My abuser was always telling me that I was ‘nothing without him’ ‘I was useless’ ‘I’d never survive on my own’ I could write a book of the putdowns and insults that were spat in my face on a daily basis. I had become so isolated and I had told no one the extent of the abuse.
I was financially abused and that terrified me; if I left; I would have nothing; literally nothing; no house; not job; no money. I had worked so hard to build the café business up over the 6 years since it opened. However; I couldn’t take the abuse any longer.
So; I did leave and I gave myself 2 years to get back to being the person I was before I met my abusive ex. I wasn’t sure I’d manage it; I set myself targets every day; week; month; year! It wasn’t easy and at times it seemed like an impossible task however you can build a better life after abuse.
My health was adversely affected; I was seven and a half stone when I left; I wasn’t sleeping and I was living on my nerves I had severe anxiety; PTSD; panic attacks the first year was a real challenge I refused sleeping tablets and anxiety medication I believed I could get through it. That’s the message I want to get across it can be done; you can leave an abusive relationship and build a better life; a life free from abuse. Every one of us is entitled to a peaceful life free from abuse. There is only one person to blame for abuse and that is the perpetrator. There are no excuses no justifiable reasons for abuse. No matter how much they try to deflect the blame and twist the truth. The responsibility for domestic abuse is with the perpetrator. It is their choice to abuse.
A newspaper reports the current statistics regarding Domestic Abuse in Scotland based on the latest figures for 2018/19. The Telegraph report: Domestic Abuse Reports Rise To Highest Rate In 20 Years. Published on 25th February 2020 at 9pm.
Police Scotland recorded 60,641 incidents of Domestic Abuse the highest rate in 20 years.
Dr Marsha Scott, Chief Executive of Scottish Women’s Aid said it was “merely the tip of the iceberg”
The Domestic Abuse Act April 2019 now classes Coercive and Controlling Behaviour as criminal.
Assistant Chief Constable for Police Scotland said “Domestic Abuse is a despicable and debilitating crime which continues to affect too many people; families and communities across Scotland” he continued:
“No-one should live in fear. It is not acceptable; not inevitable and we believe that by working together; we can make it stop”.
Justice Minister for Scotland Humza Yousaf adds “Domestic Abuse is never acceptable nor inevitable. We must work collectively – as parents; friends; co-workers and legislators – to bring an end to this blight on society; address underlying attitudes that enable it to persist; call out those who dismiss or minimise its impact, and ensure that perpetrators are dealt with robustly and effectively”.
Full article available at https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2020/02/25/domestic-abuse-reports-rise-highest-rate-20-years/
Useful numbers for help and support regarding Domestic Abuse in UK:
24hr National Domestic Abuse Helpline
Freephone: 0808 2000 247 (24 hours)
Refuge
Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (24 hours)
Scottish Women’s Aid and Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline
Helpline: 0800 027 1234
Live Fear Free – All Wales Domestic Abuse & Sexual Violence Helpline
Live Fear Free Helpline: 0808 8010 800
Northern Ireland Women’s Aid Federation
24 hr Domestic and Sexual Violence Helpline: 0808 802 1414
#YouAreNotAlone #StepUp #SpeakOut