5 Years On – the 5year plan… written on 15th July 2023…
Sunday 15th July 2018. The FIFA World Cup Final – France 4 – 2 Croatia. The day I finally left my abusive partner of 10 years. I was 43.
If you have read ‘surviving’ and ‘two years on’ then you’ll know the story. It’s not a cheery read but it is a true lived experience.
I did promise myself that I would write a Blog post at the 5year anniversary. To memorialise what happened next – things I actually achieved. My idea of ‘supposed success’ after 5 years might not be anyone else’s idea it’s such a personal thing. I had a ‘5 Year Plan’ of sorts.
After posting ‘Beware the snakes’ I got so much positive feedback I was beyond shocked and humble. I actually didn’t know what to say half the time! What I took from it was that none of us know anything about what other people have gone through or are going through!!! And we may post the meme’s about #bekind but really, we know nothing of other peoples struggles; past or present. We make judgements about people (human nature) and we never know any more about a person than our own perception of them. Unfortunately, the bad things in life thrive on secrecy. So, it’s a brave move to speak out about things that are usually kept behind closed doors and swept under the carpet.
I am apprehensive about talking about my mental health. I tend to try to be all smiles and up-beat regardless of how I actually feel. I try to be cheeky and funny it’s a kind of ‘best form of defence is attack’ attitude lol.
The first year after I left was chaos, carnage, shitshow, best of times, worst of times and everything in-between. There were days when I was as high as kite on the ‘OMG I’ve finally left… freedom’ then there was the ‘I’ve left and I’ve wasted 10plus years of my life’ on a toxic/abusive person who was hellbent on ruining my life!!! There was no calm rational in-between. It was either all hearts and flowers or tears and tantrums which was mentally exhausting. I just could not get myself on an even keel.
My mental health wasn’t in great shape after I left. I was having panic attacks and would be in floods of tears most days. When I left my ex, I was 7stone 4lbs I’m now 10stone 10lbs getting perilously close to 11stone! I was living on my nerves and was sleep deprived.
I was offered anti-depressants but I didn’t want them, I didn’t feel depressed not even when I was still living with my ex would I say I was depressed. Miserable absolutely, but not depressed. I was determined to get out of the black hole I was in mentally but for me tablets weren’t the answer. It needed to be a longer-term fix, I needed to be able to cope with whatever life throw at me I needed to be more resilient to set-backs and bad things happening because that’s how life is. I hadn’t been able to make any decisions for myself for years I just toed the party line and tried to get through the day without a mental bashing and a barrage of insults. He would scream at me for hours at a time. That grinds you down after a while. I was traumatised and defeated by it all and that’s difficult to come back from. Anti-depressants are helpful for some people. I stand with everyone who is struggling with their mental health.
For everyone (men and women) who’s left an abusive/toxic relationship you take the fall-out and the trauma with you. You can feel very ‘stuck’ in that situation. You left so you’re the ‘bad one’ the ‘selfish one’ abusers/toxic people are experts at playing the victim they’re past masters at manipulating everyone around them and obviously set about making sure everyone knows ‘who to blame’ for the split! They also make sure they are seen to ‘thrive’ after you leave. They ‘move on’ at rapid speed and make sure everyone knows about it! Their lives carry on appearing not to miss a beat. Meanwhile you’re adjusting to a completely new way of living. Whilst your new life is certainly better. It’s a huge upheaval and its one of the most stressful life events you will ever go through.
Getting divorced is certainly a step in the right direction. Although its really tough you never get your fair share from an abusive/toxic partner when you leave. They will most likely try to crush you during the divorce. What price peace? As the saying goes. You’ve just got to hang onto the fact that you’ve left and the rest of your life will be better than the situation you’ve left behind. Also, you can’t dwell on what you’ve lost (and you lose a lot more than just time and money). You’ve got to focus on the fact that you got out and whatever the future holds, its better than what you left.
I did have counselling when I left it was on the NHS and it lasted between 9 and 12 weeks and the sessions were weekly/fortnightly. It was really helpful; it was more about managing my anxiety as opposed to tackling the trauma. Strategies for managing stress and ensuring I was relaxing and could manage the ability to do ‘nothing’. I don’t do well with doing nothing and tend to throw myself into things. I need to be busy and over commit myself that way I don’t have time to think.
After I left, I really struggled with what to do next. I never imagined I would ever leave. So, I didn’t work for the first year, I couldn’t as my anxiety was out of control and made me far too emotional to hold a job. I used to have a good career in human resources and had earned well during that time. However, I had been away from that for years whilst working in the café and it was clear that going back to it would mean starting all over again. Also working in HR can be really stressful and I doubted if I would cope. I had also trained as a Beauty Therapist but I never actually worked as a Beauty Therapist (due to working in the café) and again I wasn’t confident to try and get a job in that industry. I was simply stuck I didn’t know what to do or how to go about doing it.
After I left, I started baking and although I had no formal bakery training or qualifications, I could follow a recipe and I found it really relaxing! Although there were some disastrous bakes. The red velvet cake that came out the oven GREEN! I would bake at 3am because I couldn’t sleep but baking requires your full concentration so it was a brilliant distraction.
Nine months after leaving my mental health wasn’t getting any better, if anything it was getting worse the divorce was looming on the horizon and although it would be me that would pursue it, it was still going to be really stressful.
In April 2019, I put myself into therapy. I remember saying to myself that I would give it five minutes and if it wasn’t for me, I’d leave. Talking about my mental health struggles really wasn’t for me, now I talk openly about it. Anyway, within the first five minutes of the first therapy session I was pouring my heart out. Between the first and second session my dad died. At the start I was going once a week then once a fortnight and then once a month. I’m still going 4 years later and I’ll probably never stop going. It has made an amazing difference to me. It really needs to be more readily available on the NHS. I recommend it and cost wise going once a month isn’t overly expensive compared to other self-care treatments like a trip to the hairdressers or going out for a meal.
It was a major turning point. I was able to work through the trauma and make informed decisions and manage my anxiety. I became a lot more positive about the future and I was no longer stuck in my emotions. I did tell my therapist about my 5year plan she wasn’t keen apparently things happen and plans can change lol. Absolutely true that…
I started divorce proceedings one year after I left so July 2019 and the divorce came through in September 2019. I applied to Kilmarnock College to study Baking Level 5 and started in August 2019. College was amazing! I realised I actually could bake and I was quite good at it! I also got a part-time job in a Bakery in Kilmarnock. It was difficult as I had zero commercial baking experience and I had to learn the job from scratch. Most commercial bakeries won’t take ‘home bakers’ on as they generally aren’t suited to the demands of the job. Anyway, I’d say it took me a good 6months to get to grips with it but I was determined to make it. I still work with some of the people I worked with back then, bakers tend to move from bakery to bakery and we all know each other and Kilmarnock is a small place.
Covid hit early 2020 and College closed and I ended up working full-time to cover for people on Furlough. I was still able to go to my therapy sessions. I was able to finish the College Course on-line. I applied for the Level 6 Bakery Course at Kilmarnock College and I also applied for the same course at City of Glasgow College.
Due to Covid Kilmarnock College didn’t run the course so I ended up going to City of Glasgow. It was August 2020 and restrictions meant that we were able to go to college but teaching was done in a compressed way so I would go to college 1 or 2 days a week but it would be a really long day with social distancing and the theory of the course was done on-line (blended learning). However, the Glasgow course was completely different to what I was expecting and I wasn’t enjoying it. It was all cake decorating and no baking and everyone in the class knew each other as they had all done Level 4 and 5 together so I was a complete outsider and I couldn’t decorate cakes as I’d never done it before. They were a tough crowd lets put it that way. I did nearly leave but decided to try and persevere as the second semester after Christmas was actual baking!!! Also, I had took another bakery job and it was nightshift and that shift pattern wasn’t great. I took the job because it was something different and we were in Lockdown so no one was going anywhere anyway so nightshift didn’t sound like a bad idea – it really was.
In the new year of 2021, we were actually baking at college and we had a different lecturer and I had decided to try to ingratiate myself with my classmates and lockdown restrictions were a bit more relaxed. Our lecturer was from Kilmarnock and she took it upon herself to make sure I could actually decorate cakes – failure was not an option!!! It was great to be actually baking at college and I was starting to get the hang of the decorating. My classmates realised that I could actually bake and actually they were a really nice bunch. Nightshift working was slowly killing me.
I said to the lecturer that I was thinking of leaving my job and she said she could maybe get me a job in a bakery where she used to work. I said I needed dayshift and she said she would look into it. Anyway, I successfully finished Level 6 Bakery and I started this new job on July 2nd 2021. I am eternally grateful to her for her help!
It turned out she had worked at the same bakery at the same time as my ex and they had worked together - everyone’s face in the class was an absolute picture that day when that came out in the wash. It also transpired that my ex had been telling people the Café we had was in the West End of Glasgow and not in Cumbernauld!!!
During Covid I got into exercise to fill the time. I had been doing workouts in the house and had a cross-trainer and some weights and was following on-line workouts. I had also got into reading books as opposed to just autobiographies. I was also reading self-help books and that got me to thinking about doing another course. Colleges and Universities were pretty much doing everything on-line now so it made courses more accessible.
I looked into studying BSc Psychology and decided that I was going to apply. I started the course fulltime in August 2022 and it was a brilliant first year. Although the sacrifices were tough – zero social life!!! I have thin patience and its taught me that you can’t be in two places at the one time and that there are limits to what you can achieve within a specific amount of time. I did think I’d bitten off more than I could chew. For second year starting in August 2023, I’ll be studying part-time hoping to have a better work, gym, study, social life, baking balance - in no particular order.
Meanwhile in February 2022 I joined a local gym. Working out in the house during Lockdown got extremely boring. I got my fitness to a good level but I wasn’t strong and eventually the inevitable happened and in November 2022 I injured my left hip flexor and I was out for doing cardio for 16-20 weeks. In that time, I decided to start using weights and that was the start of getting stronger and in turn that helped when eventually I got back to doing cardio.
I was also having PT sessions. I also wanted to start running in the early part of 2023 however that was pushed back to the summer and so far, it’s going well and the hip flexor is holding up. So, the fitness journey continues I’m getting stronger and fitter and the aim is to keep that going. For me going to the gym is for my mental and physical health. I want to be strong and have a good all-round level of fitness. Also going to the gym gives me a chance to clear my head.
I stand with those who have left abusive/toxic relationships and those who have mental health struggles. Wishing everyone better mental health. “We move!!!” As for the 5year plan well it changed a bit however I achieved everything I set out to do and more. Here’s to the next chapter and over committing to a million and one other things…