I’m 43 and live in the Ayrshire countryside; Scotland. In August I start a full-time Bakery Course. This blog is an on-line diary along with my Instagram @isah2710 contact me on google email connected to Blog/Website. My moto is ‘love the life you live’ which I have as a tattoo in Greek. My Instagram posts and stories are much less formal; definitely keeping it to the trials and tribulations of real life.
Part 1 to 3 of my Survival Story has now been published 7 Parts to go. The feedback has been truly humbling. I started the Blog as an on-line diary; however like everything else in life I’m not always very good at keeping on top of the admin! I write a diary everyday and that’s how it all started really. I thought it would be cathartic to write about my experience. It was; I started writing in the New Year of 2019; in a note book. Most times it ended in tears recalling some very painful memory’s and this was less than 6 months since I had left the abusive marriage I was in.
I continued to write and it started to come together as a synopsis of what I had been through. I wondered if anyone would want to read it. As I mentioned on Social Media my Facebook and Instagram Accounts; English, spelling and grammar were never my strong point. Indeed I only passed Higher English during school at the second attempt.
Anyway it did come together and one day I decided it was time to type it up and actually let some people read it. To say I was nervous as to the reaction I would get was an understatement. It took me 8 hours to type up; editing and tweaking all the time. I gave a copy to my therapist Marie and my friend Gillian. It was a huge step; a closure of sorts. Although in these situations where someone has suffered long-term abuse closure is an odd term. It’s more acceptance and moving on.
Resilience gets you through the situation. I detest the term ‘victim’ you are a domestic abuse survivor and if you survive then its down to two things hope and resilience. You hope things will improve; they don’t. Resilience gets you through each day. So turns out my therapist Marie was a Magazine Editor and thought it was very well written. My friend Gillian though the same so this gave me the confidence to publish it via my Blog.
People who have read it have been moved by it. Words used have been: brave; amazing; powerful; inspirational to name but a few. As I said if it resonates with one person who finds themselves in a similar situation and it helps them to either leave or get closer to leaving then brilliant. If it gets people talking about these issues then brilliant. Coercive Control is all over the press at the moment as part of new domestic abuse legislation and so it should be.
There is life after leaving; it takes time but it can be done. Thriving is possible.
Life move’s on; people move on. Today I publish Part 4 of my surviving story. Its Saturday 17th August 2019 and its over a year since I left. I’m currently trying to get divorced. I’ll post about the progress of that in due course. Suffice to say its me that is pursuing it. It’s been on my mind for the last four weeks more than usual. I just want it signed; sealed and done! It won’t bring closure however it will help. Other than that I’ve just been living life as we all do; getting on with it. People are still contacting me regarding my Blog and I keep saying it’s humbling the support and kind words I’ve received. The next few weeks are quite important as to how the next few years will progress.
I’ve this two year plan that I refer to all the time and whilst I’m hitting the markers; there’s always the next set of markers to achieve. The plan has stretched out from two to five; so in effect two plan’s.
It was the two year plan that used to get me through the difficult days; writing lists upon lists. I had numerous notebooks; all for different things. Eventually I condensed everything into the one notebook including the writing for my blog. I need to read back through it all and start writing a synopsis of the first year after leaving. Not all of it; some material would be too upsetting. However I thing it would be good to share the successes and keep it positive!
Today I publish Part 5 its Saturday 24th August 2019 and I’ve just come out the hairdressers! Its been a hectic week. I mentioned last week that I was pursuing a divorce well its been nearly five weeks since I got my lawyer to write to him asking him to sign ‘simplified procedure’ paperwork which means I can get divorced. During the week I asked my lawyer to send a reminder. However I had resigned myself to the fact that he wasn’t going to sign it and I would simply need to wait until next summer and then I wouldn’t need his consent. Just another example of coercive control in my eyes!
Anyway the divorce party will be bigger and better next year. However to my astonishment he’s signed it!!!
I was in floods of tears (happy) last night when I got home and opened the letter from the lawyers. To be honest I’m still in shock to be honest. Obviously making me wait over four weeks was sadistic enjoyment enough for him. He had been telling people in the café that he would send the paperwork back albeit ‘second class’ whilst throwing the usual insults my way!
He forgets that everything he says about me in that shop filters back to me. He’d do well to remember that. You know how some people slow down to look at road accidents on the motorway? Well it’s pretty much the same thing. He calls me for everything; questions my mental health and says some truly horrible things about me and I hear it all! Now some people clearly enjoy a good show and some probably smile and laugh along with him and then cheerfully message me an up-date of what he’s been saying. Why though; well apparently its human nature. Some people will leave the café thinking ‘my life might not be great but it’s way better than ‘that shambles..’ Walls have ears and all that as the saying goes.
Anyway its been a great week all things considered. Been busy at work and I start my Bakery Course at College next week. Everything is going well the ‘2 year plan’ is on track and I’m hoping everything keeps going in the right direction. I don’t want to say too much and get ahead of myself.
I’m just ‘keeping going’ and ‘doing what I’m doing’ its all good and it’s all positive. My friends are all doing well as well there’s a real feeling of positivity and prosperity in the air. I love to see people do well!!!
Good vibes.
Today I publish Part 6 its Saturday 31st August 2019; its a positive as it shows that when I pick up a bad vibe off someone that my instincts are right! I need to work on that. At the minute I’m very very weary of everyone! People who are too nice make me nervous. I’m so used to being confronted by control and aggression that when someone is kind to me I don’t know what to do. I usually panic and just try to get away from the situation. I’m still in fight or flight mode a lot of the time; but I’m working on it!
This time last year 2018 I had just finished working in the café on the Friday. I can honestly say it was one of the worst times of my life. What possessed me to agree to working the six weeks after I had left the house is beyond me. Obviously I know what possessed me; it was a mixture of misplaced loyalty; coercion and actual threats. I took those threats very seriously; I knew what he was capable of and he was totally out of control at this time. Had been for a while. I was trying to keep everything as calm as possible. But most days I was reduced to tears. I’ve kept a diary of that time; and I will blog about in time.
So its been mixed emotions this week. Relief that the paperwork is signed; starting College; life in general going well and the memories of last year buzzing about my head.
What a difference a year makes; its incredible really. There’s been incredible high’s and low’s but I’m still here and everything is on track.
Good vibes xx
Its Saturday 7th September 2019 and the sun is blazing! I’m out shopping as usual. Today I publish part 7; a pivotal time I’d say and a bit more interesting than part 6 which is pretty tedious to be honest. I think when I get to Part 10 I’ll condense the Surviving Page to perhaps 2/3 parts. As I’ve said all along it’s about sharing an experience and if it resonates with someone then brilliant.
It’s incredible the number of people who have been through similar. At least now it’s high up on the news and social media agenda and people are talking about it and taking it seriously. In other news..
It’s just over a year since I got braces fitted to fix my teeth. It’s been a long year and probably (realistically) another 6-12 months to go. I’m pretty fed up with them to be honest. I have zero patience at the best of times and the braces have really tested it to the max. Anyway it was a year in the planning; a year of having them and perhaps a year to go. So two thirds of the way there. Other than that it’s just been a very busy average week. Been baking bread and cupcakes; going to the gym and planning birthday outings.
I think I’m going to redesign the Blog slightly. However that’s a job for another day.
As always Good Vibes xx
31.12.19 New Years Eve; or Hogmanay if you’re in Scotland!
Its been a while since I’ve ‘blogged’ but today seems an appropriate day to get back into it. Thanks to everyone who has visited the page; I’m stunned just how far and wide my blog has reached.
1’m improvising today; normally its written; double checked and I cut and paste. Luckily I have been very busy between work and College. The College course is going really well and so is work. Its good to be busy gives little time to dwell on life’s twists and turns.
We’re at the end of the year and indeed the decade and what a time its been. I’m forever thankful to be out the situation I was in and 18 months down the line I can truthfully say that life is good. It could be better; of course it could I’m always pushing forward thinking/plotting my next move. 2019 was a year of ‘what will I do with this new found freedom?’. A wealth of opportunities but a time pressure knowing I had lost over a decade to abuse and torment. The survival instinct and boundless resilience can and will see you through any crisis. The human spirit is truly remarkable and I’m forever grateful to be getting the chance at a happy life!
I march into 2020 with my head held high and with a clear idea of what; where; when the future holds. I will get back on track with my blog. I’ve been baking a storm and have a million photo’s to share; most of them on Instagram. I was at the gym this morning and I’ll be back when it re-opens in the New Year. I’m learning to deal with anxiety and I haven’t had a panic attack in over a year! That’s a massive thing as during the later part of 2018 I was plagued with them.
I do still talk about what I went through and I do so with positivity. I don’t dwell on the past I simply state cold hard facts. I believe Domestic Abuse is the scourge of society. In the UK there is a ‘Domestic Abuse Bill 2017-19’ currently going through Parliament it is currently at the committee stage. It has been delayed due to Brexit and a General Election. However there is definitely a genuine will to get it through and improve the life’s of those affected by domestic abuse. It’s something that I am very passionate about. I constantly share posts on Facebook about it; the discussion and raising awareness must never stop.
In the meantime I’d like to wish everyone a fabulous New Year and wish you all health and happiness in 2020. xoxo.